I stood at the water’s edge on a beautiful quiet beach in Halkidiki in Greece, watching the gentle tide wash over my feet and then retreat back again. It had been years since I had swam in the sea, or actually in any cold water. I realised I was feeling a lot of resistance to it. I wanted desperately to dive in, but I was rooted to the spot. My feet sinking in to the sand and my legs stiff.

I was determined to feel refreshed by nature and reminded of the freedom I enjoyed as a child swimming in open water. But the longer I stood there, the harder it got to move. The more resistance I felt. There was fear present. It was disguised as a resistance to the discomfort of the cold, the uncertainty of the depth (or creatures lurking beneath) and a deep rooted lack of trust in my own body and ability to swim out to sea and make it back after a couple of years of health issues that had left me feeling weaker.

I remembered Mel Robbins 5 Second Rule (when you feel discomfort, don’t let it settle, count 5,4,3,2,1 and the GO!) and I started walking in to the crystal clear azul blue waters that were calling so deeply to my soul and spirit…

As I walked forward, I accepted that there was resistance present. I continued to accept it as I slowly glided forward. And then the most marvellous word just appeared in my head and moved throughout my whole body….

SURRENDER it said.

SURRENDER. SURRENDER. And I felt this word in every cell of my body as I walked deeper and deeper in to the sea and… dove in.

Diving In To A Revelation

This was the result of a year of work around practising Radical Acceptance.

As an ambition woman, a woman who likes to be very much mission driven, always on task, focused on the result – the idea of acceptance at first was unfathomable to me.

What do you mean…”just accept it?’

Instantly in any situation my mind doesn’t go here. My mind would go to ‘what can I do?’ ‘How can I research this? What do I need to know in order to make a change’.

It never would go “Ahhhh ok” and walks off in to the sunset. And honestly this is what I thought Acceptance would feel like to me.

I thought it would feel passive, submissive and weak.

Nothing had prepared me for how unbelievably empowered I would feel, when I finally experienced what it is to surrender…

A Vacation For My Nervous System

Surrendering releases something that needed to go – something that didn’t serve the highest version of yourself. Something that you didn’t even realise you had been holding on to so tightly that it had created tension in your physical being.

For me, this release created a wave (excuse the pun) of an enormous amount of mental, emotional and physical weight being instantly dissolved. Believe me it was nothing to do with a bit of discomfort around wriggly fish or the deep blue sea.

I had been holding on so tightly to situations in my life, I hadn’t even realised they were causing me to try and control everything around me with every ounce of my being so I could AVOID ANY MORE DISCOMFORT OR PAIN.

This symbolic insignificant act of diving in to the sea was the act that changed everything. Nobody on that beach that day would have known anything life-changing was happening. They were all busy going about their life, eating ice creams, snorkelling, topping up tans and playing building sandcastles.

I felt lighter instantly – something had shifted. I emerged out of the water and took a breath and it filled me with joy. I felt more capable. More hope. More personal power. More MYSELF than I had in a long time. I felt the magic that had been missing… the presence of it all and nothing else. That moment was the most relaxing vacation that my nervous system had gotten in quite some time.

And it all happened when I had the courage to accept, surrender and LET GO.

Have You Experienced Pain and Suffering?

Have you ever felt completely and entirely frustrated and stuck in a situation, or with results that you weren’t happy with but felt powerless to change? I KNOW you have. Because it’s the human condition we can ALL relate to.

The last few years have been incredibly challenging for me, and my family. A number of personal tragedies and traumatic life experiences have occurred (and still to this day as I write this they still ARE occurring – we are very much still in a situation that continues, daily to be very difficult and painful)

It is all out of our control and the experiences that have occurred have changed me/us (possibly for ever) in a way that we were not ready for, couldn’t prepare for, sometimes can’t really believe, and did not want. Otherwise referred to as feelings of LOSS.

But I made a conscious decision 2 years ago to practise radical acceptance.

Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is a life skill that has NOT been easy for me. Stress, overthinking and obsessing (in advance) about potential issues and challenges (otherwise known as anxiety) was passed down to me at birth.

I believe I am here on this planet to make progress in this area, so I can improve things for my children and help them with the things I have struggled with.

You see life contains pain. it’s what makes us all completely equal. We all know what it’s like to experience pain and loss. Suffering however is different.

Suffering Vs Pain

If you are suffering, it’s because of the meaning you are giving to a situation. To the things out of your control. You have given all your power over to IT.

You are assigning a meaning to it, that is now giving you pain, because you feel like a victim TO IT or OF IT. IT is the perpetrator to your peace.

But the good news is, you have the choice to give it a different meaning and therefore transform how you think about it, therefore feel about, and then act upon it. You can develop healthy boundaries around IT.

Radical Acceptance is NOT lying down, giving up and saying “oh F**k it, nothing ever works out for me so I am not trying anymore!”

Acceptance is making the decision in your life, to have the intention to not allow pain to completely derail you.

You may have given all your power over to IT. But you absolutely can reclaim it.

Acceptance allows you to feel your emotions, work through them and get through difficult experiences, without them overwhelming you and sucking all joy out of your life.

And I only got to this realisation by being completely derailed – emotionally, physically and mentally – ending in development of a terrible condition called Vertigo where I am incapacitated for hours having to lie completely still whilst the rooms spins around me and I want to vomit (like I have downed 3 bottles of red wine). You have nothing left to do but find ways to calm your body and mind through the unpleasantness until it passes.

The only way I can manage this condition is by (you guessed it) NOT getting stressed. Life has a sense of humour for sure right?!

So what do you think life did once I developed this condition (which I believe was sent to me to help me grow!). It kept throwing challenge after challenge my way that triggered huge stress in me; until I am eventually learning to manage larger stresses, more challenging situations and to uncover deep rooted fears and beliefs that are holding me back so I can deal with them head on.

When We Ask “Why Me?!”

Feelings of loss don’t just come from the death of a loved one. Loss and grief are complex. It happens on a scale from mild to devastating to catastrophic. It can come as a result from all sorts of situations such as an unexpected health issue, a miscarriage, having a child with special needs; a marriage ending, someone we love getting very sick; a loved one breaks our trust; or people we adore move on or away from us (emotionally or physically). All of these are examples that can leave us asking “why is this happening to me?!”

We plead with our God/Universe/Higher Power and anyone who will listen to make things another way. A better way. We just want to escape the pain, and we feel (and here is the key word) absolutely powerless to change things. We ask why is this happening to us? Why me?

The truth is we all experience pain. We all suffer at some time in life. Pain is universal. But continual suffering is the result of continually asking ‘why me?’

Instead of asking “Why me?” a better question might be “Why not me?’ ‘Why am I so special that I should remain untouched by pain?’

When we realise that it isn’t ‘just us’ it connects us to other people. We feel empathy with others and rather than isolated by the notion of ‘why me?’ which indicates the deeper meaning ‘why is this ONLY happening to me?’ we feel more at one with those around us.

Just switching this question up, starts to change your perspective. You start to look for things to be grateful for, and ways to appreciate the moment you’re in. You may see how many others are much worse off than you. You may find a new appreciation for the people around you, your health, and where you are today, that you may otherwise previously have taken for granted.

Find a way to look for glimmers. The rainbow in a storm, the lottery ticket in the mud, the smile of support from a friend in a crowded room. They’re everywhere – but you have to be on the look out.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

You Can Grow Through Pain

The events of the last few years for me, have been painful. Really painful. And there was, at one time, a lot of questioning i.e suffering. The “why is this happening to me/us/someone I love?” but I also noticed that alongside it, there was something else lurking.

There was a desire… a need even, to FIX things. To make things better. Less painful. To find solutions or answers that would help in any way. To get us back to the way things were. I was clinging tightly to what I knew and loved and didn’t want to change.

This is the exact opposite of acceptance. This is resistance. It’s control. It’s the desire to FIX. And it’s unhelpful, exhausting and completely unrealistic or sustainable.

Life IS change. We age, grow, go through seasons, time. Nothing is still. Nothing remains the same.

Acceptance of this is the start of it all.

As someone who had always been a romanticist, a dreamer – I realised that I had a very deep seated belief that a ‘happy, content, fulfilled and purposeful life’ was a life without problems. Not just for me – but for everyone I loved and cared about. Everyone needs to be happy and content, so I can be happy and content.

How crazy is that?!

I could never be the best possible woman, partner, Mum or Coach whilst I was taking such huge personal responsibility for everyone. And to think I had such power anyway to be able to achieve this!! When I saw it for what it was, I realised how ridiculous my limiting belief causing toxic over-responsibility and guilt really was.

I mean when you step back from it, what a ridiculous notion!

I had no idea this belief was even there lurking in the shadows, and I guess in many ways I could say that I was privileged enough to have a childhood that was so full of simple pleasures, happy memories with a loving family and a stable home, that perhaps I perceived that as ‘life as it should be’. Perhaps that’s why I expected life to be rainbows, roses and hearts and the theme from Happy Days playing on repeat in the background with the sun shining on my face. I can still be very guilty of this!

And truly – this is my default setting. I’m happiest when I have my head in the clouds. But up there it can be pretty unrealistic. Fun though. So when I come back down to earth, it can feel heavy for me. Intense.

But the truth is I can not avoid it. Life inevitably brings pain at some point. We all relate to that. It’s what makes us all so equal.

Embracing radical acceptance is a conscious discipline that involves a healthy emotional detachment from the situation. Some people naturally have this and are brilliant at coping with life’s traumas and tragedies. However the more sensitive amongst us ( I see you there lovely) have to be committed to work on this.

We have to dedicate time to move away from habitual emotional reactions and helplessness, and toward calm and logical thought.

Whilst we can not change the facts of a situation, we can choose how we view it and the meaning we assign to it.

How to Work on Radical Acceptance

Firstly you need to see this as a journey of personal growth. Release now any judgement you have over yourself because it’s likely that this is all going to be quite new to you; but commit to the intention that you are going to practise acceptance the next time you feel resistance.

• If it helps make a note on a piece of paper or in your journal of all the things now that are causing you unrest, or to feel unease, pain, drained, hurt, frustrated or angry. It’s really cathartic and often the beginning of my process when I want to release something. At times later on, I have gone back to that piece of paper, took it outside and burned it to say goodbye once and for all to my attachment to it.
• It could be anything from not being able to lose weight (even though you are on a strict diet – notice the word strict doesn’t feel like acceptance – it feels like resistance) to the loss of someone close, competing for a client in your business, or friction in a relationship.
• Pay attention to what is triggering you here. What is it about the situation that you are finding hard to ‘accept’ as it where? Identify the resistance.
• Remind yourself that right now, this can’t be changed, as much as you might want to take action to do so.
• Tell yourself that the causes of this situation is out of your control – there’s nothing more you can do right now.
• If you COULD find peace and accept this situation right now, what would you do?
• Now begin to follow through on those actions – listen to that voice. Move forward as if you had accepted the situation already, even if it feels a little uncomfortable. Feel how this helps you get on with your day feeling lighter, and actually freeing up more space to do things that make you feel good.
• Imagine being able to have containers for your emotions – they are all real and valid, but there is a time and a place for each of them. For example, you can be going through a really sad time or experience, but you can still experience the joy at the same time in the simple day to day things. It doesn’t have to be ‘this or that’ ‘all or nothing’.

The 3 Ms

When it comes to acceptance you have to build it like a muscle, and that requires a devotion to your own personal growth. For me, my personal growth is centred around the foundation of my 3Ms.

• Mindfulness helps you to stay in the present moment. It’s so freeing to not be looking in your rear-view mirror all the time, or stressing about getting to a destination at a certain time. Sit back and enjoy the journey – it’s completely liberating.
• Meditation helps you to regulate your nervous system – there are a vast array of physical, mental and emotional benefits that come with meditation that can not be ignored. If it feels hard, you probably need to devote more time to it and will be a person who will benefit from it hugely ironically.
• Movement (ideally outdoors) is essential to growth and health and I really believe emotions need to MOVE through your body. Movement is a proven strategy I use in my own life for emotional regulation for myself and my children. Movement promotes progressive muscle relaxation, which reduces stress, and utilises specific breathing patterns, which help to reduce stress

Additional Tools that I use include:

Journaling

I have so many journals that I have kept for 20 years now (and I have a pattern I follow on each New Moon (setting intentions) and Full Moon (releasing things that don’t serve me). Whilst you may like to make notes on your computer or phone, it is scientifically proven that writing improves cognitive function and memory whilst helping to release creativity and articulate thoughts more clearly. That’s why I’m a big believer our children should go back to basics with pens and papers, not laptops and tablets to study and revise!

Nutrition

I’m a huge believer that you have to put good stuff in, in order to get good stuff out. Simply put, what you eat BECOMES you. It builds your cells and your very physical being. So if you eat sh*t, expect to feel like sh*t.

However so many people struggle with eating healthily and are constantly on a diet. I’ve been through this too!

Again, this is an area where you can practise acceptance, and instead live in the moment more, asking what it is your body needs in this moment. Follow your intuition and trust it is right (unless every time it says ‘cream cake’, and then it’s likely you may need to do a little reconditioning. I can help with that :).

Think of yourself like a plant though, or if you’re a mum think of your body as you would your child’s body. That living entity or being can not grow if you starve it of what it needs to flourish. Imagine giving a plant beer, or your new born baby coke. You just never would!

What you put in and nurture, over time will grow. If you can do this for a child, animal or plant, you can absolutely do this for yourself.

In Conclusion

Pain happens to us all. It isn’t a competition. You don’t have to prove your pain is worse or more valid in order to justify your emotions. It just is. Why not you?

Accept that life is incredibly worthwhile, even when experiencing pain. Search for those glimmers, because it gets addictive, and life becomes beautiful for you.

Open yourself up to the possibility of magic again – because it’s all around you. Count 5,4,3,2,1 SURRENDER and dive right in.

Lost your spark?

Girl, I got you.

A few years ago, I was 40lb overweight, drained, with grey skin, overusing alcohol and food and unhappy. I used my experience as a Coach and obsession with personal development and applied everything I had learned and transformed my confidence and life. I owe it all to My Best Self Project. Now it’s your turn.

Read more about how I can help you transform and make long term changes. Your Best Self Project Awaits…..